[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.