angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF