Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
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Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
When you don’t understand how floors work
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me as a therapist: omg same
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.