So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
He a real one for that
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?