early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro