Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Yes my dude
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there