When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.