Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
*limbos under the caution tape
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history