[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Story of my life…..
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.