how it started vs how it ended
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
LA today:
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
s
oc
i
a
l
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.