I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
no one likes gloating
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.