Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
You Might Also Like
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
This squirrel eats better than I do
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.