me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
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Expectations vs. Reality
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
The Book. The Movie.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.