#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?