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Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Am I having a stroke?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.