Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
You Might Also Like
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Favourite diary entry ever
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks