Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes