her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon