Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
You Might Also Like
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
pictures of spider-man
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.