They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
You Might Also Like
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
“you changed” bro i was 15
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.