I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
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If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers