my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Very problematic
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that