[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My stupid belt shrunk again today.