FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
this makes me so uncomfortable
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
2023 was just a warmup
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
<- sleeps well with others
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”