Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
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(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?