I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?