Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
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I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe