The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die