I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
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We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Just so funny
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
This is not me but this is me
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad