We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
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2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Favourite diary entry ever
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Best seat on the street 😍
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car