American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
some things should go without saying
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Teach your children to beatbox
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers