opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist