Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Canadian owl: Eh?