And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
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me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.