Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
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My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I drew y’all a little something.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.