I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
You Might Also Like
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
👾👾👾
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”