Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
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I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check