I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
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Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?