*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”