The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I put the p in pants.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*