r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
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Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere