Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
*exercises sarcastically*
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
You can’t outrun your problems…
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.