M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
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did it work
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.