I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
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Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence