The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consomm茅 using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
me: the earth isn鈥檛 flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it鈥檚 the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn鈥檛 you?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Boss: why鈥檇 you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn鈥檛 cook and neither can I.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we鈥檙e having a witch!
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Good boy 馃槀馃槀
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Facebook marketplace is a different world
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i鈥檝e never drunk anything else
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
If you鈥檙e 25 please stop saying you鈥檙e tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I鈥檝e even ordered.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.