My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
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I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I enjoy a good short stor
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly