Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
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umm…
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
i now pronounce you bounced.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see