Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
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GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them