[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Scream sneezers need love too.