[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?